That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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