I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize