I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
