i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
