We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
