bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
