im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I could make wine with my vomit
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
