Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
