I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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