and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
