her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
