Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
