Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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