I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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