My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
