I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.