I wish I only lived at night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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