I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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