she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
