so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
