Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
