Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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