Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
