seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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