I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
