checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
