when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
