You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i can't believe i had my finger in that
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
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