you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
