I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.