Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
