wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
