he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
