If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
