Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
