I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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