so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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