please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
