two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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