I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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