Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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