I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize