My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
