hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
