Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
