The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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