i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
