Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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