So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
