it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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