I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
