Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
