Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
